my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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