New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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