Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
