I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You took a bar mat shot.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
