I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
