I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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