i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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