Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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