and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
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My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
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I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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