During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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