She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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