Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just invented taco cereal.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
