I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
