So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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