sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize