Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
