and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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