Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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