I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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