her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
