The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.