As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?