So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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