i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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