I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
