I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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