my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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