i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
