I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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