when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
