Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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