i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
