ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
