Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
