stop calling my apartment porn island.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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