I wish you could order shots online.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
