I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
