Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.