I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
