So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
