I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
