; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
