Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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