I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
not ubering you a puppy
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
we're so committed to being not committed
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
