I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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