I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
