I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
