We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
