I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
