I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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