today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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