I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
