Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
