I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
