Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
