the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
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Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
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