I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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