i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
