It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
