oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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