yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
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Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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